Below is a true story from my past.

About 9 years ago, my self confidence took a major knock, when, without warning, I was effectively demoted and sent 100 miles away to a different site. I had been doing a good job - so I thought - and feedback had been good from those I dealt with. However, I had not cultivated a good relationship with my boss, and he took advantage of an opportunity to post me far away, at a vulnerable time (verbally, on the road, on Christmas Eve...). How was I going to come out of this??

Issue
Personality clash which had been allowed to go unaddressed, resulting in a de facto demotion, and a two hour each way travel to work. Issue now was how to pick myself up and get back in the "fight".

Task
I needed to restore my self confidence, to do even my new more junior job, let alone start the road back to where I'd been on the career ladder, and beyond

Problem
I couldn't concentrate because I was feeling bitter about what had happened but powerless to do anything about it. I needed to follow the nine steps to positive self confidence - see below…..

Effect
I stopped thinking about my career, and had started feeling bitter. My self confidence had taken a major knock, and I had no idea what I'd "done wrong" to deserve this - it was only later that I could see that it was my boss's way of avoiding me. If only he had just come out and told me.....

Analysis
My original job had been a "split site" one, with staff in two widely separated locations. A major technical efficiency drive, lead by one of my people, did not have enough staff to complete the project in a realistic time span. I spent a lot of effort persuading my boss and others of the necessity for the extra staff needed on a short term basis. Nothing seemed to happen for some months, then suddenly there was no problem - all the extra staff I needed.

My assumption was that my boss had not liked giving way here, and he had lost face further up in finally agreeing - the pressure I had put on elsewhere was not appreciated (surprise, surprise).

When the project was completed, he saw the chance of a reorganization, and when a vacancy appeared at a remote site, he placed me in that, with another manager in between to make sure there were fewer direct dealings.

Solution
At first, I was too tired with the extra commuting and new work to do anything but feel bitter.

The most helpful thing I found was that when I asked around, everyone thought I'd been badly treated - that outside input was enough to stop me being depressed.

So, eventually I sat down and analyzed the situation as above. The analysis itself was a boost to my morale, and my subsequent "networking" amongst colleagues verified my assumptions.

I remembered all the occasions where I'd been successful, and that gave me the mind-set to "get back up there" again.

I threw myself into my new job, determined to gain the respect of my staff, colleagues and all others I interfaced with.

And, I used the change as a learning point - always pay attention to how people react, even when you are doing the right thing.

After a couple of years, I was back in the main office, with a new boss, the old one having moved abroad. This time, I was more valuable, because I'd learnt not just to take the knocks, but how to avoid the cause in the first place. I was far more capable of working with others.

Main Points & Actions
When your self confidence takes a knock, or you're feeling inadequate, it is easy to get into a spiral ending up with depression, even clinical depression.

Avoid thinking inwardly - I call that the "negative spiral", as you think of something bad, which causes you to think of other negative things, which in turn makes you think blacker thoughts....

Think of these events when you were successful, or where you have happy memories.

Throw yourself into your work, and do the best you can.

Talk with someone you trust

Listen to relaxing music.

One thing that I sincerely wish I had at the time is a proper way of rebuilding my self confidence, with a course and some way of relaxing.

Websites & Courses

I browse numerous websites and read self help books that were a bit theoretical - I couldn't relate. However, you do not need to have the same problem. I've selected a website & a course that will help you find a peace of mind and confidence to allow you to build to better things:

Website: Building Self Confidence
URL: http://www.confidencemanual.com/
Description: Learn how to overcome your fears and be a self confident person. The articles on this site will definitely help you in building healthy self esteem

Course
In all my research, I eventually stumbled across an ideal means of re-establishing my self confidence - a Self Confidence Course, supplied free by email, backed up with a brilliant CD pack including practical tips, exercises and powerful hypnotic relaxation sessions.

I've tried this course and it works! It's so simple - whether you need help with building self esteem, or just want a quick a boost to get you through an interview, presentation or meeting.

Roger Elliott is a personal coach and solution-focused therapist. He knows that so many people have difficulties with low self esteem and lack self confidence - which is probably why this course is so popular!

Find out more by clicking here. I truly believe you will find this will give a boost to your morale and self confidence - even if you are not in a crisis, but just trying to "get ahead in the game". You can train yourself to feel good when you want - just try out this free course and see the benefits.

9 Steps from
Loss to Positive Self Confidence

However, you may not recognize all the signs, so you can end up in a spiral of despair which is very difficult to break out of.

I wonder how many people end up with clinical depression only because they didn't understand early on why they felt the way they did?

Psychologists have mapped the stages and emotions that you go through when you experience a major change. Understanding these can let you take action to move through them much more quickly.

They are:

- Shock/anger
- Denial/Disbelief
- Rage/Anger/Guilt
- Anxiety
- Sadness/Preoccupied with Loss
- Consultation
- Letting go/Moving on
- Soliciting Ideas
- Expectations and Positive Self Confidence

To help move through these stages as rapidly as possible, and end up with positive self confidence, let's go through each of the nine steps, assuming you've just been told you are to be made redundant.

1. Shock/Anger
The first reaction is shock, which can show itself by an angry response, or in my experience more often a numbness. Whenever I have had the unfortunate task of laying someone off, I have been very aware of this, and if I see this numbness, always insist that we come together after a short while (next day) so I can be sure the message is understood, and discuss pragmatic next steps - this is to avoid Stages 2 to 5 below lasting too long.

2. Denial/Disbelief
Although you may consciously "know" that you have lost your job, your subconscious may reject it, so that your behavior is as if nothing has happened. You don't confide in anyone, you mechanically go through the motions of each day as it comes, but there is a paralysis of any thought about what to do next.

3. Rage/Anger/Guilt
You may start looking for someone or something to blame, and rail against the injustice (which may be real, but more often not) of your boss, the company, colleagues who kept their jobs. Also you may start thinking, what did I do wrong? In my experience, redundancy very rarely hits people who have done anything wrong, but that doesn't stop you thinking so.

4. Anxiety
Suddenly you start thinking, what can I do, I'm useless, see, I've lost my job, I'll never get another. This is potentially a very dangerous stage, and is where family and friends are very important. Your self worth has been damaged. It's important that you "snap out of it", to quote a rather facile bit of advice.

Thinking of what you are good at, and being objective about why you were made redundant, can help you get through this stage.

After all, how can you be useless, if you've held a job, and family, down so far??

5. Sadness/Preoccupation with Loss
This follows on from the anxiety you feel - I call it wallowing in self pity. That might be cruel to say so, but as it can make everyone around you dejected, you should look to break out from such feelings as soon as you can. Get hold of positive messages by listening to cassettes and tapes designed to boost your self confidence.

6. Consultation
It's time to look forward, so getting advice is key. That can be from family and friends, or books such as " Your Career Strategy ", or even professional advice. Whatever, it's the stage where you start "getting out of yourself"

7. Letting Go/Moving On/Soliciting Ideas
Now that you are taking some action, even if it's just talking to people and reading, you can start to let go and move on - where to now? You may get some daft ideas, but if you have to change industries in your hunt for a new job, then you want as many ideas as possible.

8. Expectations
Taking stock of what you're good at, and what you don't want to do (for example, the last thing I ever want to do is cold calling sales!!) - this will give you some idea of what to expect. There are tools available to help (for example, at our Career Tests page), or you can follow the advice in " Your Career Strategy ".

9. Positive Self Confidence
Now you're really doing something. This gives you the self confidence you need. Remember, if you do nothing, you'll end up moping, and blaming everyone and everything, including yourself - that way is clinical depression.

But you will be more positive by recognizing the stages above - when you do, you will know how to move on, and get into the right positive spirit!